Yes Judah has been sick (he is finally better- Thank the Lord! but it lasted from tuesday to tuesday!) and because he has been sick he's also been tired (the ear infection was exacerbated when he laid down flat, so he couldn't sleep well). But this blog isn't really about him... It's about me being sick and tired.
The first 3 days of Judah being sick his fever was close to 104. He was hot to the touch and his cheeks were all red. My heart broke for him. I held him and cuddled him. I sang him lullabies to try to calm him. He was pretty much in my arms for 72 hours straight. But come saturday his fever was gone, he was still fussy, and I was exhausted. Nicholas had to work that saturday so I was home alone with Judah again. He was crying, and I was at the end of my rope. There was nothing I could do to help him. I switched for being heartbroken for him to selfishly being angry that he was affecting my life is such a negative way: he was causing me to lose sleep, causing my ears to hurt from the crying, my arms to hurt from holding him continually, and my apartment to look like a hurricane blew through since i hadn't gotten a chance to do laundry, dishes etc for an entire week. I hadn't even showered in 2 days! The little bugger was ruining my life! Rocking, swinging, singing, nothing would work to quiet him! I even went for a 2 mile walk and he still wouldn't fall asleep and give me a break. I wanted to lock him in a room and shut the door. I realized why people shake their babies! I was frustrated!!!!! and on top of being frustrated with Judah, I was so frustrated with myself! What kind of mom thinks these things? Aren't moms supposed to love their children unconditionally? Am I an unfit mother?
The good news is we survived that rough patch i managed not to hurt myself or the poor kid, and now he is healthy and mom and baby are both happy.
The bad news is I am depraved! It is times like that i really recognize the depths of my depravity. I am a terrible being. There is nothing about me worthy of God's continued love, grace, and forgiveness in my life. How many times have i done things to frustrate God- i repeatedly sin, i neglect to spend time with him, and am ungrateful for so many of the perfect gifts he has given me. I have whined to him more than my fair share. I complain about things as if God made a mistake and I know better. I thank God that he has not grown sick and tired of me.
God is so good, so patient, and so kind. He loves me though I can never deserve it. He loves perfectly. He loves unconditionally.
I pray that He will help me become more like his son. As a mom i want nothing more than to raise my kids to love and fear Christ. I want to be an example of Jesus, not a stumbling block towards their faith. I know i have a lot of work to do; but they say admitting the problem is the first step right?
Other moms out their, your not alone when you feel like pulling your hair out. I'm right there with you! I will pray for you and hope you will pray for me as well, that we can become more patient, loving, and kind just like Jesus.
No comments:
Post a Comment